PART 9: My Marriage in the Open
That afternoon, Adrian and I walked through the botanical gardens because some conversations were too big for the apartment.
“I owe you an apology,” I said.
“We’ve covered that.”
“Not fully.”
I admitted that when we got married, I told myself secrecy was just privacy.
“At first it was,” Adrian said.
“Yes. Then I got comfortable keeping separate worlds.”
He nodded.
“I could be myself with you,” I said. “Then go home and become whatever version of me they expected.”
“That sounds exhausting.”
“It was.”
Then he told me something he’d been holding back too.
He’d been offered a position in Seattle.
Partnership track.
More resources.
A pro bono program he’d wanted for years.
“Do you want it?” I asked.
“Maybe.”
That word scared me more than yes would have.
“Were you going to accept?”
“No.”
“Decline?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“I was waiting to see if there was still room for us to make decisions together.”
The sentence hurt because it was fair.
“I never hid you because I was ashamed of you,” I said. “I was ashamed of myself.”
Adrian took my hand.
“Let’s stop making decisions based on people who aren’t part of our marriage.”
We agreed not to decide right away.
Even that felt like progress.
