I (28m) have a twin brother. Growing up, we were inseparable and until recently I thought we were still very close. I was always more of a shy nerd, and he was an extrovert that played sports throughout our childhood and high school, but we spent almost all of our time together, by choice.
We went our separate ways when college came. He stayed local in Arizona and I went to college in Portland. When I graduated, I stayed there because I fell in love with the city, my friends are here, my professional networks from internships were here, etc. But I always flew back home for holidays, events, birthdays, etc.
My brother announced on Instagram that he and his girlfriend of 3 years got engaged. I was incredibly happy for him and texted him congrats. He mentioned they were planning to have an engagement party in 6–8 weeks, and I told him to let me know so I can book a flight to come celebrate.
I was never told a date. If I brought it up with him or anyone in my family, they’d change the subject or say it’s still being planned and confirmed.
After a few weeks, I texted my brother to ask about the date because it must be getting close, and I don’t want to pay for a last minute flight. No response. I asked my mom for details, and she said, “It’s not really an engagement party, just a small dinner with family. There’s no need to come down for it.”
I eventually found out that it was, in fact, a big party. They rented out an entire restaurant for 4 hours and there were about 80 guests: family, friends, cousins, everyone. Everyone was told I couldn’t make it.
My aunt, who was like a second mother to me, texted me that she was very disappointed I couldn’t make time to join, and I replied that I would have happily come, but I was not invited. Word spread quickly about my snub, and my parents and brother tried to say it was just a misunderstanding.
That was almost over a year ago. Since then, I’ve tried to get to the bottom of why I wasn’t invited. Over the course of months it went from, “It was just meant to be a small gathering,” to “I don’t know what happened, there must have been a miscommunication,” to “It’s just a party. It’s no big deal.”
I asked my brother if he was mad at me, I thought maybe his fiancée didn’t like me. Even if she or he didn’t want me there, why were my parents okay with this? This really wasn’t like them.
Christmas was awkward because no one but me wanted to address the elephant in the room, and any conversation about anything was like small talk with strangers. When I visited in May for my sister’s birthday, I left early after my sister said, “You moved so far away. It’s like you’re not really family anymore. You make everything feel so weird now.”
Nine months ago I got the Save the Date announcement and 6 months ago I got the invitation to the wedding. I wasn’t asked to be in the wedding party, which is fine and wasn’t surprising at the point. My sister and younger brother were asked to be in the wedding party, so another snub.
I also didn’t get a +1 for my girlfriend I’ve been seeing for almost a year and a half. My sister, however, got a +1 for her friend. So I decided I wasn’t welcome, and I was probably only invited for optics and to play happy family.
I didn’t RSVP, no since I knew that would cause a show, I just didn’t go. The wedding was this past weekend. No one contacted me about missing the rehearsal dinner, so I guess even if I did go, I wasn’t invited to that either or expected to be there.
I started getting calls and texts about an hour before the ceremony asking where I was, if my flight was delayed, how far along I will be, etc., and I ignored them. They stopped for a while during the ceremony but started up again right after.
I finally picked up my mom’s call, and she screamed, “Where the hell are you?” I replied, “In Portland, where you all prefer me to be.” She said, “This is your brother’s wedding, how could you embarrass us?”
I answered, “It’s just a party. It’s no big deal, right?” It was probably the first time in my life my mother was speechless. After a few seconds of silence, I said, “Tell everyone I said hi,” and I hung up.
Now I’m getting calls and texts from everyone saying I was being petty and ruined the day. So am I in the wrong here? I feel like I’m just matching their energy and dropping the rope.
